"The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face. ", Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? "What do you mean?" The man shakes his head. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. "Her next announcement came six hours later: "Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. ", Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. "I just need to outrun you. "The seat is empty. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. src: As we drink the coffee, we realized that it tastes like dirt and mud. Its the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. "I dont need to outrun the bear", the first guy says. How's the water?". There is a skeleton in our neighborhood who always knows that something bad might happen way before it actually happens. Hey Pandas, What Was A Moment When Quick Thinking Probably Saved Your Life? ", replies the first crow. Returning visitor? ", The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!". To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Mind Your Own Business replied, "I am looking for Trouble! We agreed and soon the coffee arrived. "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. A dirty joke may always bring that spark back to an evening that has become dull, whether it is greeted by the moans that usually follow dad jokes or the gentle trickling of laughter that meets a clever pun. #1 A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Joe happily accepts again. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank! What"s so special about it?" if (windowHref.indexOf('?') Disclaimer: these are actually . Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." One says to the other: I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there. The lunch was my idea. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do wasoh, do I miss him! A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes! He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married. A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. Never shies away from a deep conversation, never runs out of jokes. Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier.Just's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Jokes contain a subject and a predicate and very often a direct object. "Help! One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold. I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. "The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now.". ", My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Two deer walk out of a gay bar. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." I saw how he kissed your neck. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. "My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter.". As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?". Vote on your favorite funny long jokes! - 23. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. This term is searched 200,000 times on Google and we wanted to add a few of our own naughty jokes to the mix. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges. '", The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives. "" Is there anybody up there?" Before leaving they told my friend that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche. The mummy said, "Please don't play jazz because my trom-bones are in a very bad shape. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. ""My God!" After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. "Don't you mean big pause? After an hour he loses his patience and yells, "Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and I will get rid of him! "Where do you live?" My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. My thermometer just broke.". ", My boss was honest with me today. You're the father of triplets! Now whats your final question?. You scared the living daylights out of me! While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. The mosquito replied, "Yeah, I know. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." //